Selfish with my Justice

When we understand God’s insane mercy and grace, we will be compelled to live them out in our own lives, meeting the needs of others in love. The Holy Spirit will grow fruits in us that enable us to act justly. But when we forget the generosity of God and the freeness of salvation, we will begin serving ourselves instead of others.

From SheReadsTruth

I'm a little behind on devos, it's a tough week, kid wise.  But I sat my bum down and decided to do nothing else until I communed with my Father for a while.

Today's devo hit me right between the eyes.  The author said, "We can start to live tightfisted, with insular lives, just living small and serving our own interests." Ugh! How true!!  My nose is sooooo close to the grindstone I rarely consider other people.  I think that insular living is a pitfall to fundamentalist families, as we try to keep ourselves and our children away from the World, we get to much of an 'us vs them' mentality and that is not the mind of Christ.

Our family was harshly attacked and judged when going through a terrible trial by our church family.  The trial, which perhaps I'll detail one day on this blog, was is so outside of what a 'typical' fundamentalist family encounters, that I believe the narrow view came from ignorance as opposed to unkindness.  In the end though, ignorance and unkindness are translated the same way: cruelty.  Or, as one of the Sunday School teachers taught attempted soul murder.  I'm still treating wounds alternated with being bitter about them.  Depends on the day.

But what I learned from it is how judgmental *I* am.  I saw a woman wearing pants to church and my thoughts were dismissive of them, for example.  So many times I made judgement about people and their walk with the Lord based on their appearance, perceived sin or actual sin.  How dare I do that?  When I have been forgiven so much, how dare I not extend that same measure of grace to others?  Now see, I thought I had... I was still kind and friendly while I internally tsk tsk'd.  sigh

As I finish up my devos, I have the Casting Crown song in my head "Courageous"  They sing Micah 6:8 Seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with your God...

Let’s not be women who forget. Let’s not take for granted God’s grace and mercy in our lives. Let’s remember that we were pardoned and accepted into the family of God. That goodness and sweetness is restoration, friends, and we should seek that restoration for others. ~SRT

Where does justice begin...

My sin has sentenced me to death.
Death is what I deserve.
God in His mercy became sin
—my sin—
and took my death excruciatingly up Himself.
Because of that, I owe Him my life.

Anger Management

So I had an anger problem... okay I *have* an anger problem.  Let's face it, anger is like alcoholism.  If you ever had a problem with either, you're safe guarding yourself against falling back into that trap for the rest of your life.

Over two years, the depth of my problem hit me squarely and in that moment a lot of my anger dissolved and I truly began working on it.  And I've come really far in the last 2+ years in how I respond to people and how I handle my anger.  But I feel like I'm back to square one, as of late.

About two weeks again a lot of proverbial stuff hit the fan and I came out on the bottom.  I was betrayed, lied to and thrown under the bus and it's not that I want the people who did these things to pay, per se.  But I do want open, obvious signs of reparation.  I think that's fair, I think that's even Biblical.  If you've deeply wronged someone it's Biblically appropriate to demonstrate true sorrow and try to make amends.  However, it is not Biblically correct for me to expect it, and herein lies my problem.  As you may have guessed, my expectations are not lining up with reality and thus, I'm angry.  Really angry and I feel unable to stop being angry.

Being in this state makes me aware of every wrong anyone has ever done and I feel as though I'm heaping all these grievances on top of me, to feed this angry fire.  I'm terse, biting off heads, being unreasonable and am very contentious.
"if only he would just...."  "if only they would stop..."  "why can't she just be..."  It's everyone else's fault I'm so angry.  IF THEY WOULD JUST DO RIGHT.

Shyeah, I'm not buying that either.  The problem is squarely at my doorstep.

I know what the solution is, to have the mind of Christ.  He certainly suffered more lies spread and more betrayal than I have.  The letting go part is escaping me.  And I don't know why.

I'm more than kinda sick of myself about it.

Justice

Tomorrow starts the Justice devotional series by SheReadsTruth.  I'm really excited about that.  I hope that along with reading the devotional, I write about it, which helps me solidify it within myself.

I'm crawling back to the Saviour in an effort to rid myself of this depression.  I know He's the only one to provide the freedom I need.

If you haven't heart of SheReadsTruth, allow me to direct you to their website.  This is a loving and encouraging community.  SheReadsTruth

Well, here it is.  Dusting off yet another blog attempt and trying to be as realistic about it as I can without crying.  What a great way to introduce myself, right?  Tears on our first meeting?

About the title.  It's autobiographical: I'm a hole, filled with a lot of nothingness.  At least that's where I am now.  Also I'm not a trendy homemaker filled with yummy recipes...I'm not a saintly woman who has so many antidotes of wisdom and humorous stories to share... I'm not homesteader who can guide you on your journey as you attempt to run your farm or mini farm... I'm not a Mom who's raised her brood so well that she's the admiration of her Sisters in Christ who can tell you how to get your child to sleep at night.  I've got nothing to share that is profitable to a reader.  That's the other reason for the title.

About the writer:

• Nearly 50
• Mother of 6
• Child of God
• Married for 24 years
• Shattered and brokenhearted
• Bitter, bitter, bitter
• Forgetful of hope
• Scraping through most days
• Tempted to ask God to take me home so often, and would so if it weren't for my children.
• I DON'T WANT TO STAY THIS WAY

So why start this blog, right?  Well I'm going through the She Reads Truth devotionals and I needed a vehicle in order to process what I write, etc.  Believe me there are no grandiose ideas about how I may inspire or shape lives.  They only thing I can offer you, reader, is transparency.

If that's not good enough, then what can I tell you?