Over two years, the depth of my problem hit me squarely and in that moment a lot of my anger dissolved and I truly began working on it. And I've come really far in the last 2+ years in how I respond to people and how I handle my anger. But I feel like I'm back to square one, as of late.
About two weeks again a lot of proverbial stuff hit the fan and I came out on the bottom. I was betrayed, lied to and thrown under the bus and it's not that I want the people who did these things to pay, per se. But I do want open, obvious signs of reparation. I think that's fair, I think that's even Biblical. If you've deeply wronged someone it's Biblically appropriate to demonstrate true sorrow and try to make amends. However, it is not Biblically correct for me to expect it, and herein lies my problem. As you may have guessed, my expectations are not lining up with reality and thus, I'm angry. Really angry and I feel unable to stop being angry.
Being in this state makes me aware of every wrong anyone has ever done and I feel as though I'm heaping all these grievances on top of me, to feed this angry fire. I'm terse, biting off heads, being unreasonable and am very contentious.
"if only he would just...." "if only they would stop..." "why can't she just be..." It's everyone else's fault I'm so angry. IF THEY WOULD JUST DO RIGHT.
Shyeah, I'm not buying that either. The problem is squarely at my doorstep.
I know what the solution is, to have the mind of Christ. He certainly suffered more lies spread and more betrayal than I have. The letting go part is escaping me. And I don't know why.
I'm more than kinda sick of myself about it.
